end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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