i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
