Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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