Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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