My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
