In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
