You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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