My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
