I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
