an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
