I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
