My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize