She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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