i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
