i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
