I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
