I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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