Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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