i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We had sex on a dog bed..
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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