Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize