You're earring is so big in my mouth
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
