WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
