god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
