is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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