things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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