her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
