Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
