ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize