FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I am midnight drunk by noon
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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