I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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