I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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