Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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