I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
