dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
