i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
