Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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