He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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