i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
