he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
