the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
