I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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