the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
