i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
