Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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