OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
