I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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