You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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