I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
