well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
