my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
