it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
