It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
is wine microwaveable?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
