I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
