Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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