I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
