I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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