If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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