I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
