Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize