do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize