i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
