Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
