You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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