I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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