just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
